Padma on Conversations with a teen… Arthi on Mr Freeze Boogie Woogie prernasinha2000 on Marriage … Dr.Lisa Braganza on Marriage … mindcockpit on Stepping into adult life …
Marriage …. What does this word really mean ? Apart from the meanings that would come top of mind, it also means “mixture” or “blend”. And that is, in its’ essence, what it truly is.
Two people, sometimes known, and sometimes unknown to each other, come together and commit to a life time together. You can do it in a court, a church, a temple, or around a fire; the underlying promise to each other is the same. One shall share and support each other. One shall be a mirror and a shoulder to each other. One shall provide, and care, and love, and have kids ( this is a very indian expectation of marriage!)…..aah ! We have so many expectations from marriage.
It seems all so perfect. A marriage is made in heaven, and is our path to redemption. If it initially does not turn out to be, than have a kid (as the parents would say), and redemption shall be attained !
But like life, it never is so perfect. There are times when spouses dont listen to each other, when instead of being a mirror, they become blank glass panes with nothing out there to see. When sharing is more like fighting. When kids are more the obstacle than the path to redemption. Marriage becomes a dull, browny, dirty mixture. Where the original colours are lost, and the resultant colour is even more distasteful.
But in marriage, like in life, we have to make adjustments, we have to manoeuvre. We have to be patient. We have to learn not to expect, to not get disappointed. We have to let go, of that part of ourselves, that we thought is our defining self. This can be a painful adjustment. We will shout out loud, life is so unfair ! Marriage is so unfair !
This mixture can smell so foul, feel so disgusting, that we feel like throwing it all away. But isnt this mixture just like life? You dont make it better by running away from it ? You dont change life by not living it !
When the mixture becomes dirty and muddy, you cant separate the colours to find their original beauty. You have to mix it even more, maybe add some more colour. To lighten a dark brown paint, try adding white, try adding a bit of red/yellow, maybe even a bit of blue.
To find that beauty in marriage, put in more colour. Put in a new colour. To take out more, you will have to put in more.
We are programmed to acquire. The enlightened ones acquire knowledge. The capitalists acquire wealth. The politicians acquire power. In this journey, we acquire ego.
Humans, with this intrinsic programming of acquisition, don’t know what to do when they have to let go.
Politicians dont want to let go of their seats. CEOs dont want to let go of their opinions.
Even as the scriptures have told us to leave the “moh maya”, we dont know how.
But, in death, we have to learn to let go. In the recognition that life is finite, we have to learn to leave our bodies behind. In ageing parents, we have to accept that their time will also come, and that we have to leave the pallu that always gave us strength.
Moksha for Lord Buddha came from being able to give up everything. I am far from that. But maybe I can also learn to give up some things, to re-program my mind to stop acquiring, and to start letting go.
When I can let go, then Mihir will fly the coop, without a tear in his eye and pain in my heart. When I can let go, I will come to terms that mom and dad are not with us.
I need to acquire the ability to let go. I need to let go of my programming to acquire.
In loosing, I will gain.