I am sitting here, in a restaurant full of people, and yet I feel alone. Many times, I have been sitting around with friends, everyone indulging in loud laughter and merriment, and yet the only company I had was the chip-and-dip in my hand.
What makes me feel alone, despite the din and chatter around? Some attribute it to the lack of alcohol in my blood. I dont. These are just two discrete and independent events occurring together by an act of providence.
My loneliness is not defined by the fact that I am having dinner by myself. I have had many a dinner on a table with only the candle or the wine glass as company, and yet nevet felt alone. Loneliness is not a physical state, it is a mental state.
Why is the mind so restless, so troubled? Or sometimes it is numbed into not being able to think at all? If I was writer, I could claim inspiration and a writers’ block at the same time.
Being alone for me is a state where I have too many things twisting and turning like a tornado in my head. The numbness is the silence like in the eye of the tornado. I can’t, or won’t share what is inside.
In this state of being alone, I reach out to others, for friendship, for small talk, to share, to forget, to bury, to run away…..all these are but escape mechanisms. Being alone feels like a black hole where nothing comes out, despite all the attempts that might be made. In this state of being alone, I become more aware of myself, I try to find the real me that has been lost somewhere, at sometime. My heightened emotional phase makes me more touchy, more sensitive, and ironically, may be a better boss at work. My lack of frailty was probably the most intimidating at work. Suddenly, I am human again. There is indeed light even in this black hole.
Why do I feel I am alone ? There has been no event, no incident that has brought me to these crossroads. How did I then get here ? Did I just drop down, from the sky, like a dead pigeon, in this yellow circle on the road ?
My writing sounds as confused as my thinking. And that actually maybe good. Atleast the mind, the heart, and my fingers are moving together ! The chip-and-dip are all that I have.
Being alone, Being human.
Nicely portrayed thought process about “being alone”
As rightly said Loneliness is not a physical state, it is a mental state.
Being Alone is a part of life now a days.
Loved the blog as always so do the tagline “Being alone, Being human”
Keep writing Keep inspiring !
Nice musing- thought provoking. It is of course said that it is lonely at the TOP. You are different and that, being different, places additional burden on you. Top that with being you being real and not feigning it. I am sure you are enjoying the journey. Loved the piece. Thanks.
It is raw authenticity in exprrssion. I could see that the boundary of “alone” and “lonely” getting blurred.
Beautifully expressed, from the heart.