Que sera, sera ….

Between Jan 2nd and Jan 11th, I had a series of goodbye dinners. Each one different. Each one with a different group. One was formal. One was fun. One was stimulating. One was emotional. I felt good that I had made some deep friendships at work in these 5 years, probably more than I did in my earlier jobs. Everyone said good things….sounded like a funeral in some ways because the good is said at the altar and the bad is said in whispers on the benches. People spoke about their learning from me, they spoke about my passion, about how I changed a moribund organisation into an aggressive, fast growing, meaningful company. People spoke with pride. People spoke about how I would come up with an angle to a problem that nobody thought existed. Some people spoke with emotion, some rambled, some were thoughtful, some were funny.

But in their words of praise, there were hidden messages. They were said in humour and probably without malice, but the messages were not lost on me. Maybe I review too much. Maybe my reviews create too much fear. Maybe I micro-manage too much. Maybe I create too much stress for everyone. Maybe my analytical mind adds value, but also destroys value. I remember a poster I once had in my office some years ago, “I think, and hence I am dangerous”.

I need to change. To take back these messages and evolve. In the past 5 years, i have opened up more. Shared my vulnerability, in parts, and with some. I am less mechanical, less robot-like, more human. I think Mihir brought out the softer side in me. Mom’s demise brought out the emotional side in me. Maybe farewell speeches will bring out the calmer, less aggressive but equally passionate side in me. Maybe I will focus on helping others create value, rather than create value myself.

And maybe I wont change. Maybe I will continue to be aggressive, will continue to be the devil, who is always in the detail. Maybe I will continue to think, and strike fear in others. Everything is a maybe. Only time will tell. Que sera, sera.